It’s been a little while since I really sat down and wrote something. I’ve always been a very inconsistent person, as much as I hate to say it. More half-filled journals than I can count lay abandoned in drawers and bookshelves around my house. Every old computer and laptop my family has ever owned are filled with drafts of my partially written stories and ideas that never quite made it to fruition. This is something I’ve always disliked about myself. Even this website is so difficult for me to stick with. It’s like I dive into a project and then get cold feet and abandon it. I don’t know how to change this or what I’m supposed to do to better myself but I guess I just have to keep trying. Maybe one day I’ll finally stick with something instead of going on little “sprees” at random.
Another thing that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately is the saying “A house is not a home”. Probably because I have been diligently searching for a new house for my dad and I. I’ve seen countless homes both in and out of our budget (mostly out) and I really do wonder what role a house has in making one feel like home. I haven’t really felt at home since I lived in my old house when my parents were still married and my siblings and I all lived together. It’s only now I’m realizing that my obsessive house hunting was never about the house at all. I was searching for that feeling I felt all those years ago in a house that has been demolished by some company looking to make a quick profit. They didn’t care how much time we spent picking out the paint colors for every room and then painting the walls together by hand. They had no remorse when they ripped out the doors with me and my brothers names spelled on them. Somewhere in a landfill sit 7 hand painted wooden letters that once welcomed me every time I went into my bedroom.
Maybe it’ll be years before I feel that again. I know it can never be quite the same. Life is a messy thing, and that’s something that everyone finds out one way or another. I wish I didn’t have to find it out in the way I did, but I suppose everyone thinks that. The best thing to do- the only thing to do, it to keep going.